There is So Much Love in the World
What healing actually feels like when you stop marching through it
I don’t want the title of this piece to feel deaf to the murder, war, and blatant inhumanity that is happening in the world right now. Truly, I’m not forgetting all of this when I say that there is so much love in the world. In fact, it is the opposite of forgetting. I am fully embracing, even re-living it. It is this system that created the catalyst for my sabbatical, and it is this condition that ingrained rules, observations, thoughts, and even values in me over the past 25 years.
To embrace this sabbatical, I need to be as all-in on the visceral pain of self-discovery as I am on the fun stuff, i.e. the travel. I’ve been back in NYC for the last week, before heading out on the next phase of my travels and, Friends, it has been a rough go for me. I have not bounced back from my illness as quickly as I’m accustomed to, and reflections on my retreat and experiences in Costa Rica have been hyper-vivid in my mind, bringing on a frisson that pulsates powerfully, urgently, and rawly in my heart and solar plexus and radiates out to my arms, my throat, my head, my lower abdomen, and down through my legs. I’m trying to describe that indescribable rawness of a mending and transforming heart.
I have cried every day since being home - in giant cathartic waves, in gentle teardrops that trickle down my cheeks unexpectedly, and out of a chokehold I put on myself during the profoundly loving conversations that I’ve had with so many friends. And while crying alone is a special and necessary kind of healing, it is the crying with friends that has made me realize that my heart is not broken right now. It is on the mend. The breaking already happened — over the course of years that I kept marching on, seeking the lesson to be learned and the skills to be gained, putting off the acknowledgement of the sadness I was feeling. I’ve allowed myself to be angry - because that seemed like the “right” reaction for a strong-minded woman - but never sad enough to allow myself to live through the grief. And it is all coming out now, as I have been clued into with my recent respiratory illnesses.
In a 9-to-5 life at a high-pressure job, what I’ve just described is classic depression, remedied by one of dozens of readily-prescribed anti-depressants. But in sabbatical life (which I have no experience navigating, mind you), I’m realizing that the only way out is through. It is my responsibility to my authentic self to do nothing with this feeling other than to feel it. And holy hell, it fucking sucks.
And yet - in this moment - I feel love. A deep, tender, yearning for true love. Not in the co-dependent way of needing a partner to carry part of the load for me, but in the need to live this entire feeling with other humans. And I am feeling this need met all around me, in so many moments:
When a friend reaches out to hold my hand as I cry, recounting my thoughts from recent travels
When I watch movies and shows that are written, acted, produced, and marketed with love, support, and honesty as the central themes
When a friend texts me first thing in the morning to check on me
When a friend makes me dinner and is more than content to just hang out - even if there are tears involved
When a friend shows genuine interest in my life by taking a phone call to share her similar experiences, learnings, advice, resources
When a friend reminds me that it’s not just the sabbatical and the sickness happening right now - my body is also in the middle of some serious hormonal shifting that wreaks all kinds of havoc, newly discovered on a daily basis
When my aunts ask the most personal questions, that somehow always get to the heart of what I need to talk about, even when I don’t know what I need to get off my chest
When my parents genuinely listen and ask questions out of curiosity and care, rather than ignorance or worry
When my parents insist on a daily text from me while I’m traveling
When a friend sends a random text to tell me that she’s thinking of me and I’m always with her through our matching tattoos
When my sister tells me about acts of peace that are happening as we speak (i.e. the monks’ Peace Walk)
When a group of women who I have known for less than a month send brief, beautiful, and bold messages of creativity and support to each other
When someone I met only 2 weeks ago responds to an “I need your guidance” message from me with her own vulnerability and words that touch deeply - her words killed me and they are so beautiful that I want to share them with you here:
“One thing I’ve come to understand about heart pain is that even when it feels endless, it is not. The heart holds an incredible wisdom and capacity to heal, to soften, and to forgive all that life brings. You are walking such a profound path of transformation, my friend. Be so gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with nurturing touch, healing work, and anything that brings your spirit peace. Your soul is calling for deeper support and you are so worthy of receiving it.”
I could go on. These are all reminders to me that love is all around.
My wish for you is to reach out with love to someone this week - a friend, family member, colleague, or complete stranger. Smile, send a text that says “I miss you,” put your arm around them or rest your head on their shoulder, hold eye contact for longer than what feels natural. If these small vulnerabilities feel uncomfortable, know that this discomfort is because we are part of a broken system that does not readily enable or reward acts of kindness as we much as we do acts of commerce. But these small gestures are acts of love that, when done consistently in numbers, change our nature.
Beautiful Cortney 💕 love is so powerful!
There is love!!!!