Respiratory Reckoning: My Lungs Are Done Holding My Grief
On suppressed rage, stored grief, and my respiratory system that finally said 'Enough'
I have been sick for 32 of the last 55 days. Nothing serious, just typical common cold symptoms - sore throat, congestion, slight fever, dry itchy throat, and cough. This is unusual for me. I am accustomed to being sick with a mild cold only once a year, and am one of the few people during flu season able to resist the “something going around.”
What gives? I've become a walking pharmacy - DayQuil for function, NyQuil for sleep, Mucinex for the rattling in my chest that sounds like my body is trying to tell me something I refuse to hear.
For years, I followed the pragmatic path: excel at the job, stay in the marriage, swallow the disappointment, take the vitamins, keep moving. Traditional. Socially acceptable. Slowly suffocating. Now, in this sabbatical year, I am stepping outside the box, leading with curiosity instead of traditional rules. This curiosity-led learning has revealed an insight about my pragmatism:
It is ONE way, but it is not the ONLY way.
Traditional vs. Alternative Explanations of My Endless Cold
With refreshed curiosity and open-mindedness, I’ve found explanations about my recent illness that profoundly resonate with me and also give me new hope in a way that my traditional views have not.
Western/traditional medicine may explain my current respiratory ailments as a result of my travel over the last 55 days:
I’ve been on 8 planes, in 5 distinct and contrasting climates, in the close company of dozens of people from all over the world, in the middle of “flu season.”
While this is ONE explanation, but it is not the ONLY one.
Alternative mind-body medicine traditions may say this:
Physical ailments cannot be separated from emotional states. In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), the lungs are the organ that stores grief and governs our ability to let go. A TCM practitioner who sees chronic respiratory issues will ask: What are you holding onto that you need to release? What are you grieving?
What haven't you been able to exhale?
From this philosophy, my body has been storing unprocessed grief, anger, and resentment that created energy blockages resulting in physiological stress to my respiratory system. And now that these stresses are able to be released, they are manifested as physical ailments in my lungs, nasal cavity, and throat.
There’s more. I told a friend about my recent psilocybin journey, she astutely picked up on my references to tension around my throat. In mind-body terms, throat ailments point to silenced voice - words swallowed to keep the peace. For years, I bit my tongue at work and in my marriage. My throat is now telling me that it remembers every time I chose silence over honesty. And it is saying, “Enough.”
Grief, anger, and resentment have been my chronic state of being for the last couple years - through a marriage where I felt unloved that resulted in divorce, and a demanding job where I felt systematically unrecognized and unappreciated.
Choosing the Antidote
Since I’ve been applying a Western mindset to my current colds, I’ve opted to attack them with a constant stream of DayQuil, NyQuil, Mucinex, Sudafed, nasal spray, Tylenol PM, Zinc, Vitamin C, and Vitamin B. While these antidotes have gotten me from point A to point B to point C on my travels, they have been unsuccessful in resolving the heart of the issue.
These kept me functional. They did not make me well.
Mind-body medicines - i.e. Traditional Chinese Medicine, Ayurveda, somatic healing, energy healing, and metaphysical healing - advocate for very different antidotes for my cold:
Compassionate self-inquiry to understand why I suppressed grief, anger, and resentment for so long, and developing affirmations to counteract them
Breath work/Kundalini Yoga (what I did on my recent retreat)
Yoga Nidra to tracking body sensations without interpretation
Chakra clearing and Reiki to move stagnant energy in my body
Meditation and visualization
And more importantly, these mind-body medicine beliefs stress prevention, in the form of:
Letting go of what no longer serves me
Taking in what nourishes me
Examining the exchange between myself and my world (i.e. what energy am I putting out there, and therefore magnetizing back)
Feeling worthy to take up space and breathe fully
Productively expressing anger in real-time instead of storing it in my tissue
Spa Time in Southeast Asia, Here I Come!
While I most definitely hope that I kick my cold by the time I leave for Southeast Asia, I’m thankful to be traveling to a mecca for mind-body medicines. Some treatments that I will seek out to experience in my travels include:
Traditional Chinese Medicine consultation in Singapore for a comprehensive non-Western assessment
Bodywork to move energy, such as Khmer massage in Cambodia,
Gua sha + cupping in Vietnam, Watsu (aquatic bodywork) in Indonesia
Chakra clearing and breathwork in Indonesia
Ayurvedic consultation and Shirodhara in Sri Lanka
Continuing to Build Mind-Body Knowledge
In researching various mind-body medicines, I also came across a bunch of books to add to my reading list. Here are the books I'll be reading between treatments:
Heal Your Body by Louise Hay
The Pivot Year by Brianna Wiest
Between Heaven and Earth by by Harriet Beinfield and Efrem Korngold
Anything by Deepak Chopra
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté
Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss
I don't know yet if breathwork in Bali or Shirodhara in Sri Lanka will cure what DayQuil and Mucinex couldn't. But I do know this: for three years I performed at the highest level while swallowing disappointment, anger, and grief. My body kept me going, but it’s now charging interest on the loan. I guess the challenge isn’t to kick this cold before my flight to Singapore. The challenge is to finally let go of what's been stuck in my body for too long - the recognition I craved but never received, the love that starved me, and all the words I should have said but swallowed instead.
🧐 I’m Curious
What are your experiences with Eastern and Metaphysical medicines and treatments?
What additional resources do you recommend I explore?
Please leave comments or send me a DM.
You’ve explained yourself well. And I agree with you BUT maybe you’re holding on to the past…making it difficult for you to rid yourself of the nasty thoughts which are obviously making your life uncomfortable..