On Being Middle-Aged and Female

A Contrary Celebration of Menopause and Middle Age

Earlier this month, I saw “Liberation” on Broadway with my aunt. It was special to see it with her, specifically, because I learned most of what I know about feminism from her. The play was set in the 1970s, where the audience looked in on a women’s liberation group - a place where women could talk about navigating the world as a woman, and the challenges that come with that. Watching how women, from all backgrounds, may have shared their stories in the 70s made me wonder why this movement of women’s groups has not continued. Most women I know could use one.

Unintentionally, but related, I’ve started my sabbatical year with two women’s retreats, which has led me down this rabbit hole of contemplating being female, as well as feminism, mid-life, and menopause. Like women’s liberation groups of the 70s, women’s retreats create a space for women to voice their challenges and to know we are not alone. But I wish there were more free, community-led options for women to share our experiences.

The undoing

Women's groups, women's retreats, and sisterhoods are necessary forums for women to undo everything we are told as girls growing up, as young women navigating adulthood, and as grown women living the lives we fought to create. Social media doesn’t glorify the natural physical beauty of middle-aged women - we are only told we need to “fix” it. Salary studies don’t highlight the value of a woman with decades of experience - they just tell us that the pay gap between men and women still exists.

It is hard to feel seen, heard, and understood in a world that wants you to impossibly remain in your physical youth, and rejects the natural process of gliding into your healthiest, truest self. A revolution is not going to change this - evidenced by the fizzled women’s liberation movement.

I’m not political and I’m not a community organizer or a protester. I’ve often seen my contrary nature as the most authentic form of protest that I have. And I think that changing the view of women in middle age, is something I can do by actively living the opposite of the messages that we are told about peri- and post-menopausal women.

This is why I went looking for spaces where middle-aged women were being celebrated, not fixed.

The spectacularness of middle-age women

Menopause groups are new and popping up all over the place. I attended a “Camp Menopause” retreat on Whidbey Island, WA last weekend where our spectacularness was reinforced through lessons in hormones & neuroscience, understanding of our internal energy meters, and deep discussions of confusing and frustrating physical changes that we are experiencing. I left with the confidence that -

• We are NOT has-beens. We are just becoming.

• We are NOT unsexy. We are oozing sensual thoughts and energy.

• We are NOT past our prime. We are just entering our prime.

Upon reflection on “Camp Menopause,” I put together a top-of-my-head list of the best things I enjoy about being a middle-aged woman.

• I write them for myself and other peri- and post-menopausal women so that we remember these when the world tries to brainwash us with less empowering messages.

• I document them for young women who are reading this so that you know that you have so much to look forward to as you age, which you will!

• I write this for men so that you hear a different voice, one that is not published nearly enough in the media.

15 Reasons to Celebrate Being Middle-Aged and Female

1. I have the confidence to say when something isn’t working for me - at work, with friends, with family, with strangers.

2. I’m more decisive than ever about what I like and what I don’t like, which also means…

3. I need less “stuff” to be fulfilled.

4. I give fewer fucks than ever before. I don’t feel like I need to justify my feelings.

5. I truly understand curiosity and respect - I know how to ask questions and actively listen so that I learn something, without trying to prove something first.

6. I don’t feel obligated to engage with or be friends with crazy-makers.

7. I can freely express myself creatively, without restraint (this likely relates to #4).

8. I have learned to moderate drinking, marijuana, and sugar with a healthy lifestyle that supports strong workouts.

9. I know when physical aches and pains are just that, or whether they are worthy of more serious attention.

10. I have money - like real money saved up over a lifetime of working - that affords nice things for myself, as well as the occasional splurge.

11. “Retirement” doesn’t seem like a far-off thing that will never be a reality for me. I can see it, taste it, hear it, and can start making real plans for it.

12. I don’t have a period anymore, eliminating another layer of stress in connection with work travel, vacations, date nights, wardrobe, or anything else.

13. Orgasms are better now than they were in my 20’s or 30’s because I’ve learned what I like.

14. My female friendships grow stronger every year.

15. My family relationships are blossoming as I learn to let go of family drama and focus on loving and accepting everyone while we are all here on planet Earth together.

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I want to add to this list over time, until I get to at least 50 reasons to love being middle-aged and female. I would love your contributions - from both women and men. What do we see in yourself, or in the women in your world that you love about their age.

We can change our mindset about being middle-aged and female, but we first need to voice it. And if you don’t want to share here, maybe you’ll do a personal reflection of your own peri/post-menopause celebration list.

As always, thank you for letting me share a piece of myself with you ❤️🙏

My best pouty lips with my new “lady on fire” kimono 💪 🔥